[NCUC-EC] Brochure Suggestions

Sat Jun 22 05:17:08 CEST 2013

Hi,

Congratulations to Bill and Milton for putting this together in such a
compressed time frame. As I understand the concept, we'll be redoing and
updating things each meeting so what we go with now isn't necessarily what
we'll be seeing a year from now. As one who did not have the time the past
two weeks to contribute I'll stay away from design issues, which we can
improve upon over time, other than to suggest we try to stick with the font
used on our web site and on the movie in future updates. Cross platform
uniformity is a sign of professionalism. if it is a simple menu selection
we might want to consider doing it now; if more complex, no need to make
the perfect the enemy of the good. Brenden is our font expert.

Other comments:

1. The issue selection and presentation is exceptionally well done. Good
job.

2. Under 'join us', I would suggest switching 'noncommercial organisations'
and 'individuals' so that  'individuals' comes first. That is, unless we
are suggesting there exists something known as a "commercial individual" or
"noncommercial individual."

3. Second paragraph under "join us" should read "you and / or your
organization." "Or" alone indicates choice and an individual can join as an
individual member in addition to being part of an organizational member.
Choice need not be made.

4. Third paragraph under "join us",  I would dump "prospective NCUC
members..." and replace it with "NCUC applicants should first complete the
NCSG applicant form...". "Must" is poor word choice and  not all
prospective members are currently ready to apply.

5. Dump "Use this URL to apply" and replace it with: "The NCSG application
form can be found here:"

* Less command lingo, more inviting language. We're nice people, not school
headmasters.*

6. I understand the intent behind directing people to our mailing list. I
think a better use of this space would be to direct them to 1) our website
and 2) our information e-mail address.  They can learn all about our lists
via the web site.

Thus,  I would suggest replacing "You can see archives of our discussions
at this URL" with:

"Further information about the NCUC can be found at our website

http://www.ncuc.org

or by writing us at ncuc at ncuc.org

Come join us!"

7. I would strongly suggest dumping the last line of paragraph one of the
ICANN boilerplate and re-centering the rest. The ICANN page is far too
wordy and cluttered. Additionally not everyone believes the offices in
Istanbul and Singapore necessarily signify internationalization as much as
they do empire building, unnecessary bureaucracy and the favoring of two
repressive regimes,  as opposed to 180+ other countries. It's piss poor mid
1990's management strategy combined with blatant disregard for human
rights, particularly with regards to Turkey.

A general interest brochure should stay away from anything that could
provoke a negative reaction. By mentioning the Istanbul office as a
presumably positive part of ICANN's internationalization strategy we'll be,
rightly or not, angering Cypriots, Kurds and Greeks...and as we have one
young Cypriot on our waiting list I'd prefer not to make her upset. In
addition, as long as ICANN feels the need to assure the Americans that the
foreign offices will be headed by American citizens ( I actually had to
call ICANN a few months ago when a US  government filing they had placed
online concerning Istanbul actually had David Olive's un-redacted passport
number. It has since been blacked out.) I question whether what these
offices truly represent.

Again, no real need to deal with this stuff here. If you want to keep an
internationalization line, fine, but no need to use a word - Istanbul -
that has negative connotations for several nationalities. As far as I know
there is no NCUC official policy regarding the so called hubs, so let's
keep that off of the brochure.

8. I'm not a big fan of the Civil Society sign, largely because it ignores
the individual noncommercial user part of our remit, but if we are going to
use it it needs to be moved up a little bit on the page.

9. "Who We Are" first paragraph I would change "to develop" to "and
develop" or, failing that, to "in order to".

10. "Who we are" second paragraph I would add "in turn" between "which" and
"elects": so then it would read "Council, which in turn elects"... Reads
better.

11. "Who we are" third paragraph, replace "We have" with "The NCUC has". A
lot of acronyms preceding...let's make it easy for new folks to follow the
plot.

12. "Who we are" third paragraph insert "in" between "and" and "many" to
read "rights and in many..."

13. Under what we do let's get proactive and emphasize the We. Start every
point with "We"..."We send members", "We appoint" "We facilitate" etc. If
we "we" up the content lose the "What we do" and replace it with "What the
NCUC Does".

I hope my suggestions are taken constructively as intended. It reflects my
training in precise language (law) and branding (politics). If accepted I
believe the brochure will be a friendlier, more welcoming place for
newcomers to learn about us. Hopefully it builds upon the hard work Milton
and Bill have done to create the prototype.

Kind Regards,

Ed

On Fri, Jun 21, 2013 at 12:54 PM, William Drake <william.drake at uzh.ch>wrote:

>
> Begin forwarded message:
>
> *From: *William Drake <william.drake at uzh.ch>
> *Subject: **[Membership-affairs] Rough Draft of Brochure*
> *Date: *June 21, 2013 12:53:17 PM GMT+01:00
> *To: *"membership-affairs at lists.ncuc.org" <
> membership-affairs at lists.ncuc.org>
>
> Hi
>
> Settings for the list have been adjusted so I am now resending the below.
> Actually, Milton made a couple tweaks I've not had time to look at so all
> the points below may no longer be relevant, will see this afternoon when
> able. Anyway, the current version of the brochure is attached.  We need the
> thing to be delivered in a little over two weeks so I will have to send to
> ICANN publications dept. this weekend from here in Lisbon, where I'm
> supposedly attending the EuroDIG meeting but am actually hiding in my room
> doing NCUC, MAG etc. most of the time, except for sessions I'm supposed to
> speak in etc.  Any quick feedback greatly appreciated.  Sorry for the
> rushed process, not what I'd hoped for but what I can do under the
> circumstances.
>
> Bill
>
>
> Begin forwarded message:
>
> *From: *William Drake <william.drake at uzh.ch>
> *Subject: **First Rough Draft of Brochure*
> *Date: *June 19, 2013 8:08:11 AM GMT+01:00
> *To: *"membership-affairs at lists.ncuc.org" <
> membership-affairs at lists.ncuc.org>
>
> [trying again]
>
> Hi
>
> Milton and I spent a couple hours fooling around the other day and got as
> far as the attached.  We are fairly content with the basic layout and look,
> but of course will listen if ICANN's graphic designer has some good
> suggestions on how to spiff it up.
>
> To be honest, I'm rushing to grade papers today and then leaving for the
> European IGF tomorrow, where I'll be heavily booked up until Friday, at
> which point I can circle back and spend a little more time on this.  I'm
> supposed to get this to ICANN by the end of the week, which may slip for a
> few days but shouldn't by much.  What we really need at this point is
> feedback on text.  I'm sure some of the phraseology could be more
> consistent and punchy, that we've overlooked important points that could
> fit in, etc.  Comments:
>
> P.1 top page is fine I think although hopefully we won't have any rights
> issues with the CS sign
>
> P. 2 Who We Are is ok but I wonder if we're clear enough about GNSO
>
> P. 3 What We Do has some redundancies and may be missing relevant points
>
> P. 4 Our Issues some of the explanations are not as elegant as one might
> like
>
> P. 5 About ICANN we lifted this from their website but actually it's all
> about the IANA function, not a good representation of ICANN's work…no
> mention of gTLD policy process in GNSO=>Board/GAC etc.
>
> P.6 Join Us!  Seems thin.
>
> So….if anyone has any ideas that could help in the next iteration, please
> share them.
>
> Thanks
>
> Bill
>
>
>
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>
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